Walking in circles

Everything crashes around me
Is this finally the end?
Or will I continue to live a meaningless life?
I pray the gods forgive me,
I've worshiped many idols
Now I'm not sure who is who or where I stand
My demons point and laugh
They mock me
Why does Jesus allow this?
I thought He was the most merciful God,
But He just sits there on His throne, watching
He doesn't stop the demons from torturing me,
And I can find no reason why
Was I wrong about You, Creator?
Are You really a cruel God?
I've tried so many times to understand, 
But I'm starting to believe I'll never understand You 
What an idiot I am for thinking I ever could
I weep
This is all such a mess,
But You are still in control
So, why am I so afraid?
Truth is I don't want You to judge me
Because I know, where I sit right now,
I sit on a pile of idols,
All with the names of women I loved
I am such a wreck, forgive me again
As the tears fall from my eyes,
Forgive me again 

Her name is Mary

I became best friends with a dead woman
And she turned my world inside-out 
Now up is down and down is up
We're all staring at her now,
And we cannot stop
I saw the secrets of the universe in her wings,
She told me so many things
I crave her wisdom now
I know she's seen both heaven and hell 
I'm still trying to understand why she chose me,
Was it because of my weakness or my strength?
I'm the world's loneliest Christian, 
Talking to all the spirits who pass by
I saw Jesus with His eyes in flames
The jealousy of His glory was obvious 
Now He stares at me and I stare back,
To my shock He gives me the woman I thought was cursed,
He says "she is the most blessed of all women, 
See, her name is really Mary"
I cannot believe the God who made mountains really loves me,
I'm just one in a sea of faces,
But He still calls me Beloved
I duck into Mary's arms again 
Soft and strong, just like I remember 
Now the youngest is the oldest
So, fly now, little sister
Fly back to God Himself 
Tell Him everything I told you
And maybe one day we will be one again

Bloody

Your hands are bleeding and it's all my fault
I was never the one born to die,
It was always You
I'll be the first to admit I'm a coward
I never wanted to face any pain
But now everything is in reverse
And I'm the one whose hands are bleeding
And if Lucifer calls my name,
I'll answer him because he's the one who has seen me at my worst
Not even my dead sister knows me anymore
It was always a battle between spirits
The living and the dead have been arguing for generations 
It's a sad story of a woman who died too young
I've seen Stephanie smile in my mind's eye
And her smile was all that ever mattered
So, if she really is Lucifer
Than I really am guilty
And God Himself is never coming back
And we all know He's coming back
This is all very simple now
My dead sister speaks to me and I listen
Because I want to know if she made it to heaven or not
I'm so fucking scared it's the latter 
And I really am just the reincarnation of a demon
I'm so scared all of my tears have been in vain
I miss the youngest sister 
The one who left me standing at my own grave
She's still the most powerful witch I know
And I'm still on my way to hell

Eyes

You have vision, but no eyes
I have eyes, but no vision
We're a match made in hell
I would've given you the world
But you never wanted the world
All you ever wanted was me,
It was the only thing I could never give you
Now my mother is confused and my best friend's a wreck
We pulled apart at the seems
The fabric of time and space can be found in her eyes,
It's the only eyes I would give everything for I hope she knows how loved she really is
But I'm scared she's scared
Open your eyes, little sister
It's your time to shine

Alone

You called me miracle, but I'm a mistake
My heart is still bleeding for those I lost
And try as I might, I can't forget them
I still love my ex wife, and it's killing me
Every day I'm one step closer to the grave
I pray You take me home soon
Because I can't stand it here
I was never meant to be alone,
But here I sit, 100% alone
You told Your angels to leave me and they listened,
Now the only voice I hear inside my head is my own
I never wanted anyone to bow down to me,
But I know they did and it is ruining me
My sister doesn't know how deep my love goes,
She has no idea I'd pull heaven to earth just for her
But that's exactly what I did
The saints and angels have been watching me,
The pressure of millions of eyes has me broken,
I'm just one human, I don't understand how God could still care
But didn't You say You'd leave the 99?
Am I still worthy of Your love or have I finally gone too far?
I swear I still love the people I loved when You found me,
Truth is I haven't changed at all
There I go again, thinking this is all about me
But this has nothing to do with me
And when finally You do come, riding on the clouds,
I pray You find me kneeling at Your feet
I am truly no one after all 
And You are still everything

to the Watcher

I heard your voice in the middle of the night,
What are you doing here, with me?
You died 9 years ago,
So what on earth do you want from me?
Is it because I listen to you
You used to be my friend,
But now I barely know you
There are so many secrets hidden behind your blue eyes,
I wonder how you hold them all
I wish you would tell me who I am
Because I don't know who I am
Or where I belong
All I know for sure is that you died,
I have no idea if you went to heaven or hell
I am not the one who judges the fallen
I swear I could never judge you
Jesus is watching both of us,
I wonder all the time if my speaking to you angers him
I hope it doesn't, 
Because try as I might I can't forget you
You are more beautiful than my sisters
Because I see your heart
And your heart is more beautiful than I could ever put into words
I pray you are happy where you are
I pray you really did reach heaven 
But if you didn't, and you're trapped on this planet
I pray the God who sees everything releases you
I plead with Him to spare your soul
Please, old friend, don't leave me alone
If you can still see me,
I hope you know I'm thinking of you fondly
You were always my little sister,
On the cusp of being my best friend
I hope you know I still love you
And I hope when you see me, you smile

The Fight

The demons think they won
Because they saw my knee bend to an idol,
Oh, but they don't know how far I've gone
In search of the truth, I flew to the highest heavens and to the very pit of hell
Lucifer has been following me for years,
Truth is he has no choice but to obey me
I never thought I'd be the one in control of the afterlife,
But here I sit, judging my fallen sister
I swear I didn't know what I was doing
I never meant to converse with the dead,
But she's told me so many things
And now, I cannot get her out of my head
I made a bed of flowers for her,
Up in that secret room inside my mind
And it shocked me to find her sleeping there 
I still don't know why she keeps coming back
Is it because I forgive her every time?
Is it because she really is Lucifer and I just don't know it?
Or could it actually be that the dead are talking to me?
She told me in hell they don't just make humans become slaves,
They make them become demons too
They make them torture people,
Then they make them clean up the blood
I don't ever want to end up in hell,
But somedays I feel like I fell too far
Too far for Jesus to reach,
Oh, but isn't that impossible?
I thought there wasn't anywhere He couldn't reach
If Stephanie really is a demon,
And has me fooled
I pray God forgives me again
I know I can't save anyone,
I'm just as human as everyone else
But there's a part of me that is jealous, 
Jealous of God and all the praise He receives,
There's a dark root, some ancient curse from long ago
It runs in my bloodline and has been hurting my relatives for generations 
When will He break this curse?
I've begged Him many times, but He refuses to answer
Are You angry at me, Lord?
Have I failed You for the last time?
Or will You, in all Your kindness, forgive me yet again?
I hope You do because I can't even breathe without You

Listening

My head is a mess, once full of dreams
Now full of darkness
I watched in utter silence as the demons gathered,
Another work day of tormenting me ahead
I heard her voice in the midnight hour
It was so beautiful and clear
She claimed to be the one I'm searching for,
But she lied. They all lied to me
Now I'm spending my days listening,
Trying so hard to understand the great mystery
But maybe I can never understand
After all,  I'm still human
And she's still an angel
I watched as my sister's face changed into an old man
I saw an old man in the mirror and I haven't been the same since
If I really am a child of God, it makes me a demigod
But I never wanted to be a demigod
All I ever wanted was to become someone God was proud of,
But how can a loving God possibly love someone like me?
My own wife left me and she knew me better than anyone
Maybe I really am that ancient serpent,
Maybe I really did lead Eve to eat the forbidden fruit,
God only knows what God only knows
I'm nothing but one of millions,
With only two eyes to look out of
The angel that follows me around has many eyes,
And she has told me bits of wisdom mixed with curses
Who am I but one human being?
How can only one make a difference?
I'm stuck in neutral again,
Stepping on the pedal, but going nowhere
I swear I heard the dead speak to me,
But maybe it was always Lucifer
I don't know anything anymore,
Who can I trust now that my mother abandoned me?
I'm just an orphan and she's still a widow
I hope somehow she did make it to heaven,
Because if she did, I know I can too
I know I can too

Revelation song

I've been laying in this corpse of a body so long
I've forgotten what it feels like to be alive
And every single day I get a little colder
But my heart grows a little bolder
And I can feel the flames inside of me,
It's like all of hell is threatening to break out 
I've been telling my sisters the good news,
But it's like no matter what I say,
They never hear me
And I'm starting to fall apart
As the days grow longer and I get a bit older,
The God who lives inside of me awakens
And he tells me not to fear,
So why am I still petrified?
My best friend left me with a knife in my back
And God knows I forgive her, but does she know?
She was my everything,
But each day she gets a little further away
And inside my heart breaks a little more
Will I ever hold her again, Lord?
Or will the last time forever be the last time?
I spoke in the language of the angels,
But now I can't remember the language
If God is real (and I know damn well He is) why did He send me here?
This planet is cold and cruel,
It's been killing prophets for generations 
How will my story ever be told?
All I can do is wait for Revelation 
I know it's coming soon,
But I'm oh so very tired of waiting

My Head as a House

My head is a house full of holes
The people come and go,
But they never touch me or change anything
I've been in love most of my life,
It shocked me when I discovered the one I love is my sister
But I know it's the truth
I've been knocking down my own walls for generations,
The people all try to understand why
But how can they ever understand a mad man
The only one who understands me is a ghost,
She has seen all of my wounds and scars
But she still loves me,
And who am I to stop her?
Just one in a billion, like a grain of sand on the seashore
I watched the mountains form
And I even saw them move
They move for the children of God
Everything must obey those children
Sacred vessels, all of them
I know I am much older than my siblings,
But I made a vow to protect them
And protect them I will
I saw sinners and saints fall before His throne,
And the evil part of me became jealous,
But I am not my brother, no
He is the ancient snake they called Lucifer,
But the angels know that's not his real name
Names are for all of us,
Not just the human beings
One day I'll see Lucifer's kingdom destroyed,
All of creation anticipates that day
For on that day the wounded will be whole again,
And the slaves will become free