Song to my brother

They called me the anti-christ, 
But I'm older than him
I rose from ashes millions of years ago,
Before the creation of the universe, I existed
I have always existed and will always exist
My brother, Jesus called me "beloved"
But I let him down again
On a desperate hunt for my lost sister,
I embraced the devil with arms stretched wide
Now I cannot got him out of my head
The Creator used me as a trap
My only goal was to trap as many demons as possible,
So when I die, they all die too
I'm on my way to hell and I know it
But there's nothing I can do to change my stars
I've cried out a million times to the one who created me,
But he's still not answering and I don't know why
So, I cried out to my sister and from Hades she came running
I know her real name, just like she knows mine
We're all children of the same God
And when grace finally frees me from this awful body,
I'll truly know peace,
But until then my head is full of war
And my arms are weapons 
Do you really want to know me, Lord?
I swear I'm older than You,
But how can this be?
Didn't You create my spirit,
Didn't You knit me together in my mother's womb?
And if You really do hear all of my thoughts,
You'd be the only one besides me
I'll take whatever name You give me, God
Be it Lucifer or Lillith, I am Your creation
You made me, But what did I make?
Just empty promises to love my broken sisters
But I was never good enough for the house of God,
She left me broken and confused,
She is such a powerful witch,
But God, Didn't You create her, too?
And if You did, she belongs to You, doesn't she?
I pray for the youngest sister again
I pray she finds You in the darkness
And I pray my heart finds You, too

To Lindsey

I saw your reflection in the back of my eyes,
It lead me to search everywhere for you
But no matter where I searched, you were never there
And now the piles of my own mind collapse me
You were My best friend, the sacred one
Different than all of your sisters
I lost you now and it's my own fault
I've been singing all the sad songs to get you back,
But I'm starting to believe you could never hear me
And if that is true, who the fuck am I?
Just a shattered ex who splintered your perception of reality
I am so sorry,
There are no words to describe it to you
I hope one day you see through my eyes
And I pray it doesn't hurt you anymore

Nowhere

Eyes full of swords, I can barely see
Trying so hard to fit in,
To be a good child of God,
But truth is I'm not good
I swear I never was
I'm bleeding on the ground again,
Just an abandoned woman
I saw you in my dreams again
You were leaving me there, too
Why did you do this to me?
You were my match, 
You fit into me perfectly
But you pulled away,
Leaving me completely alone
How dare you lie to me!
I'm angry now, you destroyed the good in me
Now I'm just a shell and you're still smiling
How could you do this to me?
You claimed to be my best friend,
You promised me forever then got scared and left me
I never realized how scary I could be,
But you showed me my true face
I'm an ugly creature, from a planet much different than yours
We are not the same
So, break me into a million pieces again
And watch them reassemble 
You cannot kill me
I was designed to hold someone like you
But maybe never you
Maybe we never really completed each other
Maybe I was wrong about you
I'm starting to doubt I ever really knew you
It's filling me up with fear,
Were you ever really my partner?
Or did you just not want to be alone?
This is the last time I call for you,
If you do not show me your face,
I'm leaving again, I've had enough
There you go, walking away
The light in your eyes has faded
You were never God and I was never Satan,
But I cannot tell you all the secrets again, 
You broke my trust
So, fall flat on your face again,
I'm moving on and you,
You're going nowhere

Pretend I exist

Walking on my hands again
And everything is upside-down 
I called out to the Uncreated God
To my dismay, Lucifer answered
Fuck all of this, 
I'm about ready to give up
Where is Jesus now?
I've followed what I thought were friends,
But they lead me nowhere
Now I'm trying so damn hard to find god,
But isn't it true, what they say?
That You never leave?
If that's true it means You still see me
And if that is true, there's still hope for me
I honestly have no idea who I am anymore,
I thought I once knew, but I was wrong
Is anyone ever going to love me again?
Or am I cursed to walk this earth alone?
I'm so fucking afraid I'm the anti-christ 
I'm so fucking afraid my best friends are really demons,
Jesus, I don't know what to do
I'm lost in this maze and I have no idea how to escape
I pray once more for You to light my heart on fire,
It feels like it's been forever since I felt You
Is this all my fault?
Have I really made idols of my lost loves?
I can't possibly be that stupid
And yet here I am, 
Talking to voices I hear in my head
I never wanted to be here, on earth
I don't know why You sent me here
I thought I knew, but I've been wrong so many times
I thought I knew who You were,
But so many think I'm wrong about You,
And what happens if I am wrong?
Does heaven and hell even exist?
Or is this all some sick game created by an alien being?
I never thought I'd ever betray my faith,
But I have and I don't know how to stop the doubts in my head
I've looked for Your face everywhere,
Then was shocked when I saw it in the mirror,
Are You trapped inside me?
Do You hate being here as much as I do?
Truth is I barely know You,
But what I do know is good
So, I'll cross myself and keep walking
Maybe after I die, You can finally explain everything to me
Until then, I'll just keep going
It's really all I can do now

Forgive me

Head on backwards again, I'm seeing in reverse
Everything I ever believed collapses on me
I watched as my best friend became an angel,
But she never wanted any of this
It's all my fault!
I'm the one who looked Lucifer in his eyes and worshiped him
Now I don't know how to stop
I swear I hate him, he's lied so many times
And yet I hear a voice in my head
"Forgive your enemies"
Do you want me to forgive him?
I thought you hated him, too?
Have I been wrong this whole time?
So many things I don't understand
I swear I'm a simple creature, 
All I want is to love and be loved
But the woman I chose left me
The moment it got hard, she left
And no matter how many times I replay it in my head,
I still cannot understand why
She was my whole world,
Maybe that's why you took her from me
Forgive me again, Gracious One
I know I'm unworthy, but you
You are worthy of all of my worship
I'm starting to lose all of my memories of her,
I can't even remember the sound of her voice,
Is this what You want, Lord?
Do You really want me to forget her?
I just can't understand how a compassionate God would take everything from me
I'm starting to think I'll never understand You
I want to understand!
I want to walk hand in hand with Jesus again,
But I'm so guilty, so ashamed
All of the times I tried to love you and I failed,
Do You keep track of my failures?
Are You keeping notes of what I've done wrong,
Or do you really erase all of my sins?
I swear I'm a wicked person and You are holy,
What good could You possibly see in me?
I've done more evil than anyone, I admit
I became the very thing I hate
And now I don't know how to move on,
My corpse is dancing with her now
Full stop, this is all a warning
Now I'm the one sounding the alarm
Does anybody hear me?
The end is coming soon and the righteous will judge the earth
I swear I won't judge anyone,
So if the dead come to my door again,
I'll accept them with open arms
It's my destiny to love the loveless
And who am I to stand in the way of that?

Questioning

Alone again, grasping for your hand in the dark,
But it's not there and I'm wondering 
Was this all in my head?
Did God Himself really ever speak to me?
Or was it all just the workings of a schizophrenic mind?
I bury myself underneath piles of my sins,
I know I bowed down to many idols,
I swear it was never my intention to leave You,
I'm coming home again
Struggling so hard to understand how a god as big as You could care about someone as small as me
I know You said You'd never desert me,
But everyone who ever said they'd be here forever left,
How can I ever trust You?
I hear my heartbeat in my ears
I guess that means I'm still alive,
But I'm still so lonely and I have to ask,
Are You lonely, too?
Did You create humankind because You were lonely?
And if I am really Your child, doesn't that make me a demigod?
And if I am a demigod, why can't I perform miracles?
I couldn't even get my wife not to leave me
I'm completely broken and so confused,
I continue to talk to the dead,
Even though You told me not to
I'm just a rebellious daughter,
Trying so hard to understand a God that defys logic,
But I cannot give up
Truth is I want to know You better than anyone,
I want to know what makes Your heart ache,
I want to know what fills You with joy
Am I naive for wanting that?
Can a human ever really know God?
I'm going to be honest, Your word confuses me,
There are so many contradictions
I know it is all inspired by You,
But if that is true why does it contradict itself?
Father, I am so sorry I keep questioning Your authority,
I know I have no right to question You
And yet my mind continues to race
Question after question in my head,
It's stuck on a loop and I can't stop it
I've spoken to both demons and angels while searching for You
One of them promised me the world,
But now I don't know who it was
Tell me, does Lucifer really speak to me?
And if he does, why are You allowing that?
I know he can't do anything without You giving him permission, 
So, God, why are You allowing me to be tortured?
Truly, I am jaded from the ones I love and lost
I cannot count the number of times a day I think of my ex,
How I miss her laugh or the touch of her hand on mine
I cannot understand why You would take the one I love away from me
If You really are a loving God, why did You do it?
I've been arguing with the voices in my head
And I know that one of them is You,
But the question is which one?
They all claim to love me,
I know they are lying
I thought the world was going to end three years ago,
The night You came to me and showed me all of the secrets,
Now my mind is breaking trying to understand them
Who am I really?
I fear I've become Babylon,
And if that is true there really is no hope for me
There's a mountain of sin on my back
And every single day it crushes me a bit more,
Will I ever be free of my shame?
Or will I forever carry it with me?
I'm so sick of trying to be innocent, 
Truth is I broke Your heart
I swear I never meant to,
If only You can find it inside Yourself to forgive me again,
Make this mountain into a valley,
And bury me in the dirt
Maybe my next life I'll be better
I swear I'll try to be better

The Fight

I've been wrestling You for years, 
Trying so desperately to understand
What is it You want from me?
What are You really doing to me?
I fear I've fallen too far for You,
But didn't You say that You would leave the 99 to find the one?
Are You still coming after me?
Or have I finally exhausted all of Your patience?
I'm just an old broken woman,
Trapped in the body of a 36 year old
I never belonged on this planet,
So why did You send me here?
The demons have been talking to me,
And I'm starting to think they were right when they called me Lucifer 
But God, am I not still human?
And if I am still human, then I'm still Your child
I know we are all Your children
I'm sorry I talk to the dead,
I swear it was never my intention,
To break all of Your commands
Truth is I'm struggling because 
If my own parents can't accept me,
How can I expect my heavenly parents to accept me?
I breathe in and out again,
And although I don't feel You anymore,
I know You're still here
Head in my hands again,
Why did You have to rip her from me?
She was my best friend,
Maybe, that's why You took her
I know You are a jealous God
And You have a plan I do not know
Father, I'm so tired of trying,
I want to be young and free,
But I'm still shackled to my ex wife
I still love her, Lord
I cannot move without her next to me,
I've been standing still for years now,
Trying so hard to let go but without any luck,
Why haven't You taken this love from me?
Why do ghosts and demons haunt me?
Will I always be this stuck?
I'm sorry I keep questioning You
I know You have some sacred plan
And even though I don't understand,
I'll keep pushing to get to know You

A Prayer

I've been wondering how I ended up like this,
Completely alone
Jesus promised me the world,
But I'm starting to fear He lied
And if He lied to me, who am I?
I've tried so many times to give up this love for those who hate me,
But I still love my ex wife and I have no idea why,
I know she will never come back
And yet, I still love her,
With every fiber of my being
I've been writing sad songs all of my life,
But I never had the strength to make them into music,
I think I might actually be the devil's daughter
And if this is true, there has never been any hope for me
I have always hated myself,
Even as a small child
And now I'm wondering why I still hate myself,
Because if You love me then I already have everything,
But God, do You really love me?
Am I really one of Your children?
I've felt like an orphan most of my life,
My parents have never truly accepted me,
And that leaves me broken
I wonder all the time why a loving God would take the ones I love away from me,
But who am I to question You?
I'm just a selfish old woman trapped in a young woman's body
In my dreams, she's still with me
And every single time I wake up alone,
I'm broken to see it was just a dream
Truth is I'll always love them,
The two that shattered my heart into a million pieces,
I have one question, God,
Do You still love me?
I'm beginning to think You're just in my head
What if I really am an atheist?
Would You still love me then?
I've tried so hard to be good,
But I'm not good and the world is still spinning
I swore You were coming back years ago,
But You never showed up 
The stars still hang in the sky
If You really are God, 
Please just come back already
Judge us because we can't judge ourselves 
I know I'm guilty of what could be unpardonable sins
I deserve hell
I've spoken to the dead and to demons,
Trying to find You, I'm guilty
And yet I still don't want power
Please, God, make sure no one bows here
If I really am the devil's child
Then what hope is left for me?
Even though I can't feel You anymore,
I know You are near
Because You promised You always would be,
Hide me in Your feathers again 
I'm sick of running from You
Take my daughters back into Your hands again
And free me from myself

You’re there

My heart is a labyrinth
I've been wandering it for months
Trying to find all of the dead ends,
So I can reach the end of this insane maze,
But I'm so tired
Tired of fighting,
Tired of the constant struggle
My whole body has been slowly shutting down,
Dying a little more by each day
I cannot wait until I breathe my last
And finally, I fall into Your arms
But alas, this is all but a dream
Soon I'll awaken and stare into Your eyed
The majestic king, the one and only
I'm running in circles now,
But I know One day I'll be walking on golden streets
That is, if You still accept me
After all, I did spit in Your face,
I worshiped the created rather than the Creator,
I deserve nothing more than a seat in hell,
But You, oh Shining One,
Are coming back for me again
I saw You in the darkness,
Standing right next to me
And I know it was You,
No one else is as brave as You
You approach me without fear,
You're the only One who can
And I pray to You alone 
Because I know You are truly the only one who actually listens
To think a god as large as You would choose someone so small baffles me
But Your ways aren't my ways
And who am I to think I could ever really understand You?
I am no one but a shell You created to live in,
So I surrender to everything You want,
I surrender to everything You ask
I just pray it's not too late for me

Conflict

The same old argument in my ears,
Is this really the life You have for me?
Trying so hard to defend my point of view,
But bring bombarded by Bible verses,
The book meant to save being used as a weapon again,
How can I possibly support this?
I am just one person, one lonely sinner,
You are everything and I am nothing
But my mother's words burn my ears,
How do I fight this viewpoint?
Who am I to deny her beliefs?
We are all sinners, aren't we?
You said no one was holy,
Am I wrong about You?
Are You really a cruel,  callous God?
Are You really up there sending kids who commit suicide to hell?
Are You up there judging queer kids lives with a sword?
I cannot imagine You with a gavel,
I've seen Your pierced hands,
What other god would sacrifice their own son?
The seven spirits encircle me now,
I can sense them pointing toward love,
Whispering "love wins" 
If love wins than there is still hope
Hope for me, hope for you,
Hope for everyone
If God is still good, I am still alive
Just a queer woman from a nowhere town,
Heading somewhere on this long road,
I pray it's paradise But I cannot deny
My own confusion, my own fears
Screaming in my ears with my mother's words,
She swears its a choice,
But I know better
No one would choose this life, this pain,
No one would choose to burn,
But I will burn even if it's not on a stake,
My own heart will burn again
I am But a sinner with too many words,
And more scars than I can count,
But He created me, I am not a mistake,
And if that's true than He does love us,
But if I'm wrong we'll all burn in hell
I pray I'm not