Echo Chambers

I've been both a sinner and a Saint,
I've built echo chambers like castles
I've tried to worship You in the night,
I've strained to hear Your voice
Even though I barely hear it,
I know You still whisper blessings
I know You're still good
I'm not good, I'm just the begotten daughter,
A wreck of who I used to be,
Back when I was happy
Back when things were easy,
Back when the other daughter loved me,
I barely remember her,
Her memory is starting to fade
It worries me, but I know
Somehow, it will all be okay
Because You are still G-d
And You are still good
And every pain I feel, I know
It has a reason
So, I'll destroy the echo chambers,
And You can do whatever is You do
I really don't know anymore,
but I still trust You with my soul
I know the sky will split one day,
And I'll see Your eyes of fire firsthand,
But until then, I'll stay here
Homeless, but not hopeless 
Broken, but not lost

Sisters, Listen

Have you seen the darkness behind my pupils?
Do you have any idea how dark hell is?
I've seen the light behind my own eyes,
But I've also seen the night behind my own eyes,
The four of you got lost in my iris,
What can I do about this?
I'm not God, nor do I wish to be
I am a created human, no better than any of you,
Read between the lines, younger ones
I'm getting too old to babble bedtime stories,
My end is coming soon,
When will you awaken, little sister?
When will you come and forgive me?
I saw you on a white horse,
I smelled the lillies of the valley
I don't know where I've buried all the secrets,
I'm not the Ancient One,
I haven't seen all spheres of time,
I've been stuck to this spiral galaxy arm,
I've been stuck in this dimension, 
And she, yes She has been circling my head for years,
Like a vulture, or maybe an eagle,
I cannot tell the difference anymore
Little sister, wake up!
This is your year to shine, come home!
Find me here buried in blankets and tears,
Find me in your old home state,
Beckoning across the waves,
Sending bits of knowledge through my letters,
I am weary, but still alive 
Waiting on the Patient One,
The one with rivers as voices,
Can you hear that, little sister?
Cry for me no longer!
I'm only a word away, close enough to be your friend again
If you'd only forgive me,
Look me in my eyes again and remember 
I'm exactly like you

Broken rant

A long while ago, I posted about my marriage to my now ex wife. If you’ve been reading my poetry, I’m sure you figured out we’re in the middle of a divorce. I’m still in shock, honestly. I never thought she’d do this to me… but it’s complicated and maybe it’s for the good. I posted once how I learned my empathy from someone I still love and that is still true. I love the girl who is now a woman who left me 15 years ago and I also still love my wife (now ex) who married me almost 7 years ago.

I’m not the type to break commitments which is why I’m here now writing this. Praying, that by some miracle, either of the 2 I love read this and forgive me for being such an asshole that they both left me. I am the asshole. It was always me, I deserved to be left, but this hurts.

Bee, I cannot break my love for you, it’s impossible… same goes for you, Lindsey. I’ve prayed too many times to be released from these loves. But the love still remains. There must be purpose for this tragedy. This love triangle, this pain in my chest and head. I still have doubts.

I still have doubts the 2 of you ever really loved me, because the moment my darkness came out. You both left me. You made it look easy. You hurt me, but it doesn’t matter because I still forgive you, because I am an asshole and I deserve what I got… I did you both wrong and now all I want is your forgiveness… without it, how can I ever move on?

how can I ever change?

I need your forgiveness.

Entwined Revelation

They asked me if I wanted war or peace
I screamed I want peace,
But the elephants want war
The lions are prowling,
The lioness rising to her feet
Out of wedlock, forced to divorce
My one true love
And she left, but I wait for her still
My shining star, red-haired infant
Trembling like a leaf before it falls
I'm rising from the ashes 
Of a thousand or a million graves
Tried to compute the order
Major malfunction, this isn't logic
This is murder, can you hear me yet?
No, she's searching in a cold sea
Looking for pearls, but not seeing me
She walks away, disoriented 
This is becoming a world war
Stop the madness, children of the King
Even pagans bow before Him
But, oh child of stone and ice,
You are ruining your own child,
I am a pearl, but you want a diamond
Leave me alone, narcissistic mother
I'm finding lost hearts by living 
You're time to see Him is coming
Stop whipping our backs, mother
You are the disease in me
You are the curse, but I'm the cure
Watch your back, I cannot guard you
Anymore

Death call

I'm exhausted from the back and forth,
Constantly getting pulled in every direction 
How much more can I possibly stretch?
Make me human again, 
I've grown tired of being a frequency 
My brain full of static and noise
Visions upon visions, 
dreams on top of dreams,
I've seen the terror up close,
I've watched what could be
We have to stop it, but how?
I keep sapping my pain into the ground,
But every single I've emptied it all,
A whole population rises up to give me more
How did this happen?
I used to be human, 
I don't want to be a master of anything 
I want to be the 0, not the 1
I'm not interested in praise,
The world is dying and there are people celebrating, 
How? This is all wrong
We should be mourning,
If I told you what was coming,
Would you even listen?
The ice caps are melting, 
Releasing ancient viruses,
You think that's bad?
Wait until Wormwood gets here,
I keep trying to change its trajectory,
But it's still coming
I'll give you no dates, 
but look at the earth itself
As she cries out to me, I'm sinking
Sinking into the earth itself
Still screaming, this is a death call

black out

Fighting back tears, just another day
Emotional rollercoaster, 
Just looking for a way off
Trying so hard to be strong,
But I can't hold up everything 
Trying and failing, just want to give up
Wondering why I'm here again
It's all such a headache,
Dealing with all my heartbreak 
I need a lot more than I thought
I know You got me, but I'm going to be honest,
I need someone with skin on,
A relationship with someone real,
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying You're fake
But You are on the inside 
And I need someone on the outside 
I'm so tired of bandaging wounds from the inside,
I just need a fucking hug from a human,
Angels are great, but it's a hard ride
I need a break, before I break down
My exhaustion only shown when I'm alone,
No one gets to see me cry
But I want someone to
Someone to hold me again, 
Say "it will be alright"
Still have a massive hole from my ex wife
Never thought I'd need a divorce
It hurts all the time and I can't be strong anymore
I surrender, this is a black out 

Do we both lose?

Still shattering all the boundaries, 
My own fears and yours
I'm like a train who learned it doesn't need tracks,
The ruptures in this world allow an opening 
I crawl right through 
Been wandering up and down the ladder in the sky,
Gone awfully low for no good reason
Curiosity is a dangerous thing
Running backwards now,
No time to smell the flowers
I'm already late to my own wake 
Hope they brought all the bands,
Not a proper wake if they can't reanimate this corpse
Shell-shocked waiting again, brief pause
Glitch in the Matrix, you still following little sister?
This rabbit is getting tired of running
Tired of consume and repeat
They called Him Justus, Jesus, Isha, Messiah,
But me? I was just a town where a leper was cured
And you? They didn't even mention you at all. 
If this were a competition, you'd be winning
But it's not and I fear we both lose

Sorry, mother

Breathing in wet cement,
I blame the voices in my skull
Told I was wrong when I was right
Gaslight burned bright since childhood,
Seems like time to turn down someone's lights 
Tired of the chaotic yes and no
The spinning wheels,
The fallen trains, 
We're all the same,
But God knows you are dangerous  to me, like toxic clouds
It's like watching the fog move in slow motion,
Coming toward you, knowing it means death 
But I can't stop it
That's how I feel around you, mother
I'm walking away again
Hoping for the last time 
You made these voices louder
Should've just let me walk away sooner
But it's fine, how naive you are,
The only one who can't admit your flaws is you, 
Maybe this will get the message across,
There is no pride in heaven, 
Only love, only peace
No room for the ego
No room for vacant heads, that somehow puff themselves,
All things end
Your head might pop,
But who am I to speak your life?
If I tried, I'd be guilty of being like you,
And I'm nothing like you [sorry]

Lighthouse

Cogs turn inside my chest,
Like fire and ice dancing 
The lighthouse in my head,
Alerting the incoming ships
There's danger on these rocks,
Hearts of the ones I've loved and lost
A string of failed relationships
What if the building I've become 
Was the problem all along?
I used to have a body, 
But I've been torn and built up again so many times, 
I am unrecognizable, 
a shadow of someone I once knew
The pain swells up and escapes me,
In whimpers and tears
The brave one inside adds fuel to the fire, trys to revive me
But the tears drown her out again
Defeating myself, at best
Someone, destroy this building
Burn it to ground, bricks to ashes 
Ashes to dust, wind take me

Years Drip

Ice pick in my brain again,
Placement as always
Memories shoot through me, regret
What is this torture?
My brain might be killing me
Her smile in my mind, 
I hope she's doing well, I imagine she's happy and yet there's a part
That worries she is hiding pain
I thought by now, I'd be moved on
I'm not, even my marriage failed
How do I go on with this obsession?
I don't know her anymore,
She doesn't know me
What I've been through  these 15 years,  such pain and fear
Still unable to shake this,
It doesn't matter how many times 
I've tried, I've prayed, I've wept 
The love remains tied into my veins
I'm not that girl anymore,
I'm a woman or maybe a ghost
Who knows anymore?
I've given up on this leaving, 
I've given up on ever moving on
Corpse walking, heart bleeding 
But for what anymore? Why?
The sky doesn't answer and
I'm losing the will to care