A Prayer

I've been wondering how I ended up like this,
Completely alone
Jesus promised me the world,
But I'm starting to fear He lied
And if He lied to me, who am I?
I've tried so many times to give up this love for those who hate me,
But I still love my ex wife and I have no idea why,
I know she will never come back
And yet, I still love her,
With every fiber of my being
I've been writing sad songs all of my life,
But I never had the strength to make them into music,
I think I might actually be the devil's daughter
And if this is true, there has never been any hope for me
I have always hated myself,
Even as a small child
And now I'm wondering why I still hate myself,
Because if You love me then I already have everything,
But God, do You really love me?
Am I really one of Your children?
I've felt like an orphan most of my life,
My parents have never truly accepted me,
And that leaves me broken
I wonder all the time why a loving God would take the ones I love away from me,
But who am I to question You?
I'm just a selfish old woman trapped in a young woman's body
In my dreams, she's still with me
And every single time I wake up alone,
I'm broken to see it was just a dream
Truth is I'll always love them,
The two that shattered my heart into a million pieces,
I have one question, God,
Do You still love me?
I'm beginning to think You're just in my head
What if I really am an atheist?
Would You still love me then?
I've tried so hard to be good,
But I'm not good and the world is still spinning
I swore You were coming back years ago,
But You never showed up 
The stars still hang in the sky
If You really are God, 
Please just come back already
Judge us because we can't judge ourselves 
I know I'm guilty of what could be unpardonable sins
I deserve hell
I've spoken to the dead and to demons,
Trying to find You, I'm guilty
And yet I still don't want power
Please, God, make sure no one bows here
If I really am the devil's child
Then what hope is left for me?
Even though I can't feel You anymore,
I know You are near
Because You promised You always would be,
Hide me in Your feathers again 
I'm sick of running from You
Take my daughters back into Your hands again
And free me from myself